sillyamanda:

why don’t you see the imminent need of trying to move forward with yourself? Do you not realize how much it hurts when people ask me what you do? all I can say is that you’re an artist. and then when they ask me what you do for work… well, what am I supposed to say? what about when they ask if you…

I do see the need to better myself. I know I don’t have a regular paying job, or my license, or a car. It truly destroys me inside. I feel horrible just thinking about the things I should have done by now… but I’m trying to make up for it. When people ask what I do, an artist is all you can say, because that is what I’m trying to become… I will NEVER become Jeff. All Jeff has is a lousy job and a severely inflated ego. I have an internship, I’m trying to get some paid art jobs, and I’m trying to work on some paid editing/filming work on the side… I’m trying to do what I love for a living. I know it’s not enough, but it’s still a start… I know I should have started all of this work YEARS ago… but I can’t do that now. I’ve got to start now, and that’s what I’m attempting to do.

What hurts me most is that you just won’t tell me this to my face… I knew from the way you looked at me tonight that you were disappointed in me. I just wish you would say more than “You’re tired” or “Nothing”, because it makes me feel like you think I’m THAT gullible…

I will make you proud of me. Because I love you so much, and you are all I think about most of the time. Just don’t give up on me… Not yet.